


Change the World

by Carmenlire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Early Mornings, Established Relationship, Fluff, Introspection, M/M, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 08:14:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16552163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: It’s taken painful amounts of introspection, but Alec accepts himself. He celebrates his love, finds comfort and strength in being gay.





	Change the World

**Author's Note:**

> #beinggayisokay

Sometimes Alec can’t help but wish that he’d known sooner, that the universe had given him a goddamn clue.

Maybe then he wouldn’t have spent so many years angry, so incredibly furious and cold-- at himself, at the world around him, at the entire fucking universe.

Once upon a time, he’d wondered if he’d been cursed at birth. He’d laid in the dark of his utilitarian room and he’d wondered if he was just always meant to suffer-- to pine and hope and be ultimately and overwhelmingly disappointed. He'd completed missions and tried his hardest only to never find the piece of the puzzle, the piece of himself, that he feared was lost forever.

He spent long years fighting himself, yearning with every damn fiber of his being for something to change-- his parents, the Clave with their sticks perpetually stuck in their asses, himself.

He’d wanted it to be easy, easier than it had been for so long.

Alec reflects that he'd once thought the best things in his life were hidden by insurmountable challenges, in virulent obstacles.

As Alec watches the light play over Magnus’s face, the morning sun draping him in golden hues, he’s struck with overwhelming joy.

It’s quiet but no less powerful and it rocks him to his very core.

He loves a man. It’s the easiest damn thing he’s ever done. Everything else can be a nightmare-- the world always on the verge of collapse unless Alec fixes it-- but loving Magnus is his haven, his eye of the storm.

It calms him and fills him with such indescribable peace. 

Alec was at war with himself for ages. Sometimes he wished that he wasn’t gay. On his good days, he was filled with bitterness and a choking resentment directed at everyone else-- how dare they judge him. Those were the days when he was proud of himself, that he accepted that side of him-- it was everyone else who was wrong, not him and his simple longing to hold a boy’s hand, to lose himself in a man’s eyes.

That war was a downright tragedy. Its effects were destructive and ruinous and he still sometimes feels the lingering collateral damage.

The past months have been long and hard and sometimes he’d wondered how he would keep going-- why he even should. Every time those doubts manifested, though, Magnus would be there.

Alec’s love is soft and ephemeral. It’s a million twinkling lights in the midnight sky and the roses blooming in spring. He wakes up next to Magnus and brushes a stubbled jaw over his bare shoulder. They hold hands as they walk through the winding paths of Central Park and Alec feels lost in the feeling that overtakes him, the breathless happiness that pours through his veins like liquid sunshine.

Alec’s love is fervent, bold. It’s a summer thunderstorm that leaves the air feeling cleansed and it’s the burning of an inferno. It’s the bruises that trail over Magnus’s thighs and it’s the lingering ache in his jaw that Alec savors, along with the scratches down his back that remind him that Magnus can match him, their attraction always so easily ignited.

It took Alec some cajoling and mountainous amounts of self-reflection but he now knows, irrevocably, that his love is good. Lust isn’t a dirty word. Desire and appreciation and reverence have their place and it’s not shameful.

It isn’t bad, wrong, lacking. It should be accepted without limits, celebrated.

Alec brushes a finger over Magnus’s arm as he moves imperceptibly closer to his side, resting his head over Magnus’s heart. The slow, steady beat is reassuring and as Alec breathes in the remnants of his body wash, he feels his own heart sync.

He wishes that he could’ve told his younger self that being gay wasn’t the end of the world, that wanting men-- desiring them, yearning for them-- wasn’t nearly the catastrophe that had been preached to him, both explicitly and implicitly for over two decades.

It’s taken painful amounts of introspection, but Alec accepts himself. He celebrates his love, finds comfort and strength in being gay.

Rubbing his nose against Magnus's chest, Alec smiles a little, feeling weightless. There’s no world where loving Magnus is anything but _everything_. Magnus is his saving grace, his guiding light. He’s a fire in the winter cold and shelter in a storm.

Alec loves Magnus, his every facet, his every mood and quirk and thought.

Alec relaxes against his boyfriend, dozing as the sun climbs higher in the sky, and feels the peace that he chased for so long fill him fit to bursting.

**Author's Note:**

> catch me on tumblr @carmenlire


End file.
